misspriss.org

Things have been slightly stressful here at casa de misspriss. We’ve had some financial setbacks that aren’t pretty. If I were actually working full-time, they would be tough, but we’d be back on our feet in a month, possibly two. Right now, it’s going to take much longer than that.

In addition to working outside the home, I’m working on my writing business as well. It’s going great. But I need more work. Trying to deal with that, keep up with the writing I do have, keep up with my job and the stuff going on there, care for my son (and actually be present), and somewhere in there actually spend some time with my husband… well, they’re starting to take their toll.

Tonight, we had the TV on. J was playing with the kid and watching a show while I did some writing. There was one unexpected moment in the show involving hypnosis, a bell, and clucking like a chicken. It tickled us a little just because we weren’t watching for it. And later, J was trying to make noises for the baby, but one of them didn’t come out right. And the harder he tried, the more he messed up. And before you know it, we’re both laughing so hard that neither one of us can make the noise.

It’s our banter and just being silly once in a while that keep me from cracking.

My husband is a funny guy. And I can even be funny sometimes, too. (I just wish I could translate that better onto paper.) More than that, though, I’m grateful that we can laugh together. After ten years, he still makes me laugh, still makes me sigh at his thoughtfulness and tenderness. But don’t tell him that. Let’s just keep him guessing.*

I didn’t realize I needed laughter tonight, but I did. It’s a much better way to start the weekend than the way I was headed.

*He reads this, so he’s going to see it eventually.

I’m at home with my boy every morning (mostly). I have the opportunity to watch the Today Show, I guess. I tried a few times but I always wind up changing the channel, wondering who their audience is. Because it certainly isn’t me. Really, what do they have to say to a 30-something mom with a split career, two cats, a grown daughter, an infant and a husband? Answer: not much.

So it should come as no surprise at how badly they dropped the ball on their mommyblogger segment. Oh, the taped part wasn’t so bad, except Kristen comes off looking like a remorseless duck thief (she’s not) and Mir apparently is rolling in the dough from her blog (she’s not). But both are hardworking moms and writers. Not enough time was spent looking at that angle.

And then there’s Kathie Lee’s botched interview with Heather Armstrong. A technophobe, interviewing a blogger. Better yet, a woman who has yammered on excessively about her personal life, on national TV no less, who feels that it’s strange to blog about your child. On the internet. Pot? Meet kettle.

Read the rest of “The Today Show fails again” »

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a mom. Things at work have had me reconsidering my role as a wife, mother, and employee. But that’s really another post for later. It’s the mother thing I want to talk about.

You see, I’ve been a “second” mom for ten years. My stepdaughter already has a mom, so that puts me in a secondary role in a lot of ways. I consider her my daughter, always have. Yet there’s a difference when you’re the primary mom, when you are the one who must take care of the most basic of needs for your child. While I had to care for her when her dad was out to sea, I still wasn’t really considered the parent.

But for the wee boy, I am. I’m there when he wakes up. When he cries. When he goes to sleep. And it gives me great joy to do so. These moments in time will only happen once for this small boy and I want to cherish every one. I’m not sure if we’ll have any more kids, so this may just be my only chance. If so, I don’t want to let a moment go by without being as fully present as I possibly can.

Read the rest of “happy mother’s day” »

Oh, now we have even more AWESOME news. But I am taking a page from Heather’s “Be Ye Not So Stupid” maxim and won’t say much except the latest developments? Are EVEN BETTER than before. Um, yeah.

So since I can’t talk about that right now because, “Hi people from work!” I’ll come back later because I really want to talk about the Today Show’s total lack of understanding of moms and blogs. Surely you’ve already seen some of the convos about THAT.

I’m still struggling with the guilt over going back to work full-time. You see, my son has never spent time with anyone other than one of us. Never. He’s been around other people, but one of us has always been there. How am I going to just drop him off with someone at daycare? It all seems so sudden. I guess I should start during this month by dropping him off for a couple of hours just to get him used to it.

And just thinking about walking out the door without my baby? Still terrifies me. It has nothing to do with his wellbeing or safety. It has to do with my issues of letting go. Of not being there for him. I know I won’t always be there for him. But while he’s a baby, I feel I should. I want to. Heck, I need him more than he needs me.

Yesterday, I bought a couple of suits on sale. I’ve been needing to update my wardrobe. Some of my suits are, I’m ashamed to admit, ten years old. But today, buying those suits feels like an act of concession. It feels like I’m giving up. It feels wrong.

Read the rest of “getting over the guilt” »

The honeymoon is almost over. I have to go back to work full-time in about a month. I wasn’t planning this. I wanted to stay part-time so I could be home with my boy. But with budget cuts, there are no funds to find me a part-time position. And the job I have is full-time. Therefore, if I want to keep it, I must work that schedule.

I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. Just writing that started the waterworks again.

You don’t have to tell me that it’s not the end of the world. My head knows this. But my heart is completely torn asunder. Instead of being away from him a few hours a day, a few days a week, I have to be away from him about 9 hours a day. That is a huge change for me. Someone else is going to get to see him crawl, hear his first words, watch him develop his new skills. Hopefully that will be Daddy most of the time. And that’s great for both of them. But what about me?

This is killing me right now. The guilt, the frustration, the utter anguish. I just have no choice, and that’s the part that gets me. We need the insurance. I have to do this. And I don’t want to. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to do this?

Have you seen that commercial for the cell phone with Meatloaf?

Hubby & I were watching TV the other night when it came on. I turned to him and asked, “When did Meatloaf get old?”

His response: “About the same time we did.”

Ouch.

Before the Wee One, my best friend used to tell me how much being a mom changes you. I only half believed her because I was already a mom. Sort of. That’s not to say step-moms are not moms. They are. It’s just different.

But then I had my own kid and my heart opened even further. I wish I had known how to open it like this sooner. Don’t misunderstand - I love my step-daughter. She is my kid as far as I’m concerned. But I wish I’d been more patient, more understanding. Because I feel more patient, calmer, and maybe just a tiny bit wiser. And I wish she’d gotten some of the benefit from this.

Even when I’m having a bad day, stressed to the core, I look at that little boy and things get better. I stop, and I smile at him to make sure he doesn’t just see a frowning mama all the time. I want him to remember joy from his childhood. A sense of well-being. Security.

Read the rest of “In the motherhood” »

I’m trying to get out of the house every day, or at least every other day. That probably doesn’t sound that hard to most people. But right now I work from home. And with an almost-5-month-old (!) to care for, it’s not easy for me to leave. Not without great effort.

Laugh at me if you will, but it’s still an ordeal to get out of the house. Even a walk around the neighborhood requires at least the baby stroller, my wallet, keys, cell phone, a binkie, and a burp cloth. And shades. And water. See how the list keeps growing?

But I am making the effort some days. Other days, for instance when he wakes up at 3 in the morning, I’m just too tired to do more than nap when he naps (and when I don’t have to work - I have a set schedule I must adhere to).

People tell you it’s important to get out of the house. And they’re right. It’s good for me to do more than sit all day long. And it’s good for the baby to see new things and get some fresh air. I think he gets bored when he’s in the bedroom/office all day long. Oh, I play with him, walk him around the apartment. But our place is tiny. There’s lots to look at, but he still needs some variety — even as he needs routine.

Read the rest of “get out (of the house)” »

My son is discovering his hands and it’s a fascinating experience. He gazes at them, turning them around, wiggling his fingers. You can almost see his mind working. “Wow, these are so cool! I didn’t know they’d do that. I wonder if they’ll fit in my mouth?” Everything that gets close to his face gets pushed towards his mouth. He doesn’t hit it every time, but he’s getting there.

His movements are getting better, although they are still a bit jerky. He waves his arms and manages to hit himself in the noggin half the time.

But his new favorite thing is the best part. He loves it. It’s bouncing. When he pushes against me with his feet, I use the momentum to lift him. Over and over. And over. He thinks it’s great and grins like crazy. I must get it on tape for his grandparents. It’s the cutest thing.

Read the rest of “baby, i’m amazed by you” »